1: the study of religious faith, practice, and experience; especially : the study of God and of God's relation to the world
2a : a theological theory or system <Thomist theology> <a theology of atonement> b : a distinctive body of theological opinion <Catholic theology
3: a usually 4-year course of specialized religious training in a Roman Catholic major seminary
3: a usually 4-year course of specialized religious training in a Roman Catholic major seminary
What
follows is a look at my personal study of God in relation to my
melanoma. Almost four years down this road I'm on, and will be on for
the rest of my life, be it months or years. This is not reflective of
where I was four years ago. I barely remember that person. And it is
mine and mine alone. There will be readers who don't agree with me on
much, if anything. There may even be some who vehemently disagree with
me. There will be others who nod along a little or a lot. This isn't
meant to provoke anyone, stir up arguments, give anyone ammunition
against someone else, it isn't even meant to raise a chorus of "Amens!"
It's simply offered as how God is moving in me and using what I give Him
to work with, which is a 52 year old person with a lot more questions
than answers and one who's constantly seeking to give this leg of my
journey meaning. I'm the type of person that I have to do that. Not
everyone is. Some people can go with the flow. My flow has to have
purpose or I can't go with it.
I
don't believe God "gave" me melanoma in any way, shape, form, or
fashion or semantics. I don't believe for a second that God "chose" me for this. I don't think this is God's "will" for me either.
Or His "plan." Personally, I think He started out with a "plan" and I've
gotten in the way of it so many times over the course of my 52 years
that we're now on "Plan Triple Z." And because God is always light years
ahead of me, He factored in all those times and my free will (which has
been really "free-falling" at times) and has had to expend way too much
time and energy getting me back on track. I think I'm only, just now,
getting around to the original "Plan A."
Plan
A, all along, has been a close and getting constantly closer walk with
Him. Seeing God everywhere I look. Learning to hear His voice above all
others. Trusting His wisdom even when it conflicts with my own "wisdom"
and desires. That's Plan A.
Plan
A was born with a mole. God's Plan A included me listening to the
mother, and also the father, and later the husband, but mainly the
mother in my life. She was always the most constantly nagging voice
about that mole, particularly in my teen years. And my twenties. Shoot,
even my thirties and into my forties. I've learned now that I should
have recognized God's voice in there from the beginning, but I didn't.
God's Plan A for me, all along, was not to have melanoma. Melanoma was not
God's will for me. God's will was for me to take my family history into
account. God's will was for me to be obedient to my parents and have
that mole removed. I was the one who said, "Leave me alone. It's just a
mole for crying out loud! It's not going to kill me or anything!" That
was my voice. God's voice sounded like Bettie saying, "It's going to
give you trouble one day. Please get it removed so it won't."
The
day I heard the voicemail from the doctor at Duke Urgent Care, where
that mole was removed when I was 48, tell me I had melanoma and he had
made me an appointment with an oncologist at Duke to see what we were
dealing with, I didn't say "Why ME, God?" I've honestly never said that.
I had all the ingredients for this recipe: I didn't follow God's
directions on how to do this His way and made a really lousy "cake" as
the sunburns as a teen, mole, and family history blended together in a
really awful way. I understood the "why me?" On the other hand, and I
don't know if this will make sense to anyone but me, I was surprised
that "Carol Taylor" got melanoma. I thought I was special. I had watched
that mole change dramatically and I had done a lot of praying about
that mole while I hid it. I added "in Jesus' name" to those prayers as
if that were a magical incantation that was supposed to assure an
answered prayer and melanoma not be in that mole. I even
went so far as to pray, many times over the course of a few months, that
"OK Holy Spirit, You're here with me and we agree that there's no
melanoma in this mole that's doing weird things. You promise where two
or more are gathered and we're two and we're gathered...so...in Jesus'
name, I claim no melanoma. Amen!"
I
was guilty of piecing together Scripture, out of context, and making
God promise what I wanted Him to promise. And He didn't. He's not
obligated to keep promises that I make and attach His name to. He's
obligated to keep His promises as He makes them and understands them.
And I have learned, as I have witnessed and trusted, that He keeps the
better promise. My ideas tank next to God's reality. The anchor holds.
I
learned that God didn't suspend the Laws of Melanoma for me. He could
have. But honestly, He suspended them for a few decades. He gave me
every chance in the world to not get this and I made the choice and said
"no" to removing the mole while I could BC...before cancer. Ironically I
ended up having the mole removed anyway, along with a chunk of flesh
that I would have kept had I done it when God and Mama, and God through
Mama, first started bugging me. Not to mention that had I dealt with
this on God's original timetable, I would have kept my 27 lymph nodes
and not be living with lymphedema on top of stage 3b melanoma.
God's
will all along, for me, had been no melanoma, but when I refused to
listen, eventually God allowed it and didn't stop it. Instead, He opened
the doors I needed opened to have it removed in the best available
place that put me in the best system for me...the Duke system, where
I've remained these close to four years.
Plan
A didn't include melanoma. Plan B incorporated it into my life because I
ultimately, and unknowingly, rejected Plan A. And remember, this is
just my growing understanding of my personal story. It's not meant to
fit anyone but me.
God
allowed this. He didn't cause it. He didn't give it to me. It wasn't
His will or plan. But, and follow me here, when the plan changed and I
didn't obey His will (getting the mole removed long ago), and melanoma
became part of my life, and the plan now had to incorporate melanoma,
His Will then became using this disease in a way that will bring me
closer to Him and help me hear His voice clearer above other voices and
trust His wisdom as I travel melanoma road. His Will became to use this
to His glory and not allow melanoma the last word (as if it could ever
have that anyway).
And,
He's doing that. I can finally and confidently say I'm living into
God's will and I'm definitely part of a plan and Plan Triple Z is
circling back to Plan A. I've learned a lot about prayer and God's
promises, with a lot left to learn. I am so that child looking through a
mirror dimly. But the important thing is that I'm looking and growing.
It's easy to get stuck and think we've got God figured out and we know
"this" and we know "that." Been there! Still visit there!
I've
learned I was so superficial, even as a person of faith and as a
pastor, before melanoma. And I've learned that I am special. We all are.
I'm so special that God decided to not suspend the Laws of Melanoma for
me any longer than He already had, but while allowing melanoma to do
whatever it will do in my particular body, He's going to open doors and
He's going to redeem it, transform it, and use it to accomplish His will
over melanoma. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this disease is
serving a Godly purpose because God decided I'm special enough to use in
such a way as to use it redemptively.
And
I'm good with that. We all have storms in life. Storms, by nature,
aren't fun to be out in. Some can last rather long and be deadly. They
can be damaging. That's their nature. But storms actually have a purpose
in the natural order that God set in place. Forces of nature don't take
notice of where humans have set up housekeeping. They do what they are
designed to do and there are reasons for them. Earthquakes have purpose.
So does fire. And while I, personally, don't understand "melanoma" to
be from God's hand, it is a "storm" that can come into a life. While its
purpose is to kill the body and bring as much chaos, pain, and damage
as possible to a body, God can also use it to draw us closer to Him and
find Him to be a faithful shelter in the storm. God can use it to
increase our prayer life and draw us into His promises as they are and
not as we may wish them to be.
Melanoma,
as all storms, are temporary. We are vapors that are here today and
gone tomorrow, grass that grows and withers, flowers that fade. Our
mortal bodies are just that. Mortal. Melanoma makes that truth hit home
like nothing else! Carol Taylor's body won't last here forever. That was
part of the plan no matter what. Plan A makes allowances for our
mortality because Plan A looks beyond this earthly body.
Sometimes
we have to try on several "plans" before we circle back to Plan A. I
always knew, theoretically, that I wouldn't be here forever. It wasn't
until melanoma that I grasped that and actually applied that principle
to me.
But
I've also had hit home time and time again, that being a person of
faith isn't about looking beyond this earthly present and doing nothing
but longing for that heavenly home. That cheapens the journey. We're
here for a reason and that's to point to God. And that's also a big part
of Plan A that I'm beginning to truly understand as I never did BC.
Melanoma has no reason to want to point to God, but a person of faith
with melanoma does. It's not about me. It's about God's will being done in my life and that means every part of my life.
I
have to see God using this. I have to look at this theologically. There
will be people who can't bear to bring God into the picture because
they can't associate Him with melanoma in any sense. I have to. I'm not
always comfortable with where this takes me. I've stretched in ways I
never thought I'd stretch and I'm not known for being pliable. I've gone
so far out of my comfort zone that I'm not sure I even have a comfort
zone anymore.
But that said, God has blessed the journey and I can't ask for anything more. And the journey goes on.
Gratefully so.
this is an awesome story, its an eyeopener for sure, im still stuck on a muddy road with the weight of mud, dragging it along as i continue to walk this nasty degrading ugly disease. it seems every step forward is always 2 steps back, i read your blogs and cry like a baby, so i know there is still hope somewhere out there, im stuck, im stuck somewhere between melanoma and God and it seems like a constant tug of war. Thank you for your blogs and your post. they pull me from the darkness and into the light and open my eyes to see things as they should be. You are a blessing and i thank God for you,, Carol Bellinger
ReplyDeleteCarol, There's ALWAYS hope. Anytime you want to contact me & talk through messaging on FB, please do.
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