A friend shared about her urgent need to tell others about her melanoma at the end of my blog post Hold Out Your Candle and ended her comment by writing, "Everyone and their dogs knows about breast cancer these days; society is oversaturated with pink this and pink that. I say it's high time we paint it black." (emphasis mine).
And the choir sings, "Hallelujah!" And the rest of us in the pews say, "Amen, sister, preach it!" And the melanoma community jumps up and down and cheers. We've got some rallying cries because this is what many of us are thinking, saying, preaching, and doing. There's a growing grassroots population chanting:
It's high time we paint society black.
We will not only be heard, we will be seen. The faces of melanoma.
Part of this grassroots population are mamas; women determined to make a difference in the fight against melanoma. Women who are driven to make sure their children's faces are seen and their stories are heard so that maybe, just maybe and prayerfully, other mamas won't ever hear the words, "Your child has melanoma." That's not to say that daddies aren't equally passionate about their children, but often, from what I've seen, the daddies are supportive while the mamas are the driving force.
And Mama Bears are a force to be reckoned with. Don't mess with her cubs. This is one Mama Bear's story about her 21 year old daughter's face plastering melanoma awareness billboards in Michigan.
We have a hard time imagining a young 20-something with stage 4 melanoma. We think of it as an older Caucasian man's disease. It sets our minds to swimming to fathom teenage boys getting it. But they do. Their mamas hear those words, "Your teenage son has melanoma." And even as difficult as that is to wrap our minds around, we really think we've landed on another planet when we consider children younger than ten getting it. A child born with it.
Pediatric melanoma is rare and not caused by sun or tanning exposure. But "numbers" and "statistics" don't matter when it's your child. Your four year old daughter.
Grace is the six year old child of another Mama Bear I travel MelaRoad with. She was four when she was diagnosed. Her mother shares her story in this new article. It's packed with Grace, grace, and more grace. It's also packed with helpful tips and facts of what to look for in your own children.
Just like Jillian's Mama Bear could have said, "There's no way my child's face is going up on billboards sharing our pain," Grace's Mama Bear could have refused to share her family's pain inflicted by this cancer.
But that's not how true Mama Bears behave. Mama Bears, because they know the pain, honor the children they are inspired by and demand their pain not be in vein. They refuse to let their children be ignored and their stories not be told. Melanoma has done enough and these Mamas will not let their stories be squelched. They want their children seen and their stories shared. They would give everything they own if melanoma were not part of their child's life and their family's story. But that's not how life has turned out for them.
Mama Bears don't just stick up for their own children, they stick up for other children, too. They know what a lot of other parents do not know about melanoma. About young-adult onset melanoma and about pediatric melanoma and they have a need to get the word out.
We all need to get the word out and be avenues to help them share their stories so their story doesn't become your child's story. We're going to paint society black. We're coming at you and we mean business. We're deadly serious. We have to be. Melanoma is deadly serious.
Again, six year old Grace's story.
I'm grateful for our Mama Bears who share what many people keep private. There are many others, no way is MelaRoad only inhabited by these two. But these two put a Face On Melanoma the world usually doesn't get to see.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Practical Help Dealing With Attirude
Attirude: The emotional fragility that accompanies a melanoma diagnosis. Depending on the person, it can move in and take up residence and worsen; or, it can come from out of nowhere and attack in bits and pieces, retreat for a while and come back without warning. It can be shaped and molded to bring out the best in us or it can be left alone and bring out the worst. It creates that "bring it on" and "give it your best shot" and "don't mess with me or mine" attitudes. It precedes our meltdowns. For those of us who live in a permanent state of "meltdown," attirude becomes our mindset. (definition, mine).
I've blogged about attirude so I won't be redundant but will lift up those posts:
http://letsgivethanks.blogspot.com/2012/02/melanoma-with-attirude.html
http://letsgivethanks.blogspot.com/2012/02/delving-under-attirude-or-dont-mess.html
http://letsgivethanks.blogspot.com/2012/03/biggest-blessing-when-you-have-cancer.html
What I haven't done, is walk us through how to handle it. What to do about it. How to live with it in such a way that our families and friends aren't scared of us and so they can stop walking on eggshells around us.
Ideally, when we get that melanoma diagnosis we are placed in the hands of a psychiatrist who is trained to work with cancer patients. I don't think that ever happens though, but it should, whether we are diagnosed at stage 0, 4, or somewhere in between. Being given a diagnosis of melanoma without someone trained and on hand to immediately begin talking with us and walking us through the emotional changes is like handing the car keys to a four year old and starting the ignition for them, putting it in gear and saying, "Let's see what you can do and how you can handle this baby."
Who would ever do such a thing? And yet, countless times a day, around the world, people and families are thrown into the new world of melanoma in just such a way and are sent home to face this monster, learn about it on their own, and try and navigate new waters without drowning. The more they learn, the scarier the waters get. And let me tell you, scary, shark-infested waters can change our dispositions without us even realizing it. And when we do actually realize it, often we don't know how to change who we've become. We don't like it.
We don't like knowing what we know and living with what we live with. We don't like looking at our spouses and/or young children, or children of any age, and fearing for their future and for our own. We don't like slowly (or quickly depending on circumstances) draining finances and taking away any security in order that we might live. We don't like knowing we may not see our kids grow up and what our absence may mean for their future. We don't like living with the fear of death and of the unknown and we watch what melanoma does to our peers and we know our turn is coming. Or may come. Or maybe not and we'll never know until we know. We don't like knowing that there's a chance we maybe could have lived differently and made better choices along the way and not be in this position and we can't turn the clock back. We don't like knowing that melanoma is now in our family history and those children we dearly love and would gladly lay down our lives for could be the next ones to get it and begin their own journey of horror.
And we don't like knowing what all this can do to our moods. Our emotions become fragile and we realize we really are mortal and our bodies really have let us down. And, maybe God has let us down, too. And we can feel hopeless and helpless and nobody understands and how can they when we don't understand ourselves? Often a psychiatrist is out of the financial picture. Clergy may help, but honestly, unless they've got their own melanoma diagnosis, they aren't going to fully understand. That doesn't mean, though, that good help isn't available from clergy, and if nothing else, a good compassionate listening ear is always useful. Friends and family can provide ears and help, but let's face it, they're the ones who catch our attirude.
Melanoma turns our world upside down. It just does.
We can't change our situation with melanoma, but, we can change how we cope with it. We can change who we are in our situation.
How? Well, first we need to admit we have a problem. If anyone has made remarks about your attitude, it may be time to take those remarks seriously. If your children aren't climbing in your lap like they used to or seem scared of you somehow, if the other parent is constantly telling them to let you rest or leave you alone, if people in your household act like they're walking on eggshells around you, it's time to admit you have a problem with your attitude.
And you may feel entitled to being snappy, angry, depressed, or full of self-pity. I'm not suggesting you don't have just cause...what I am suggesting however is the people you love the most in the world need you to get a grip. They want to help you and love you and support you, but you've got to let them. Driving them away doesn't help anyone. They didn't ask for this diagnosis anymore than you did and in a way, your diagnosis is theirs. Become a united team, not a divided household.
Use this as a teaching time for your children, if you have any. How do you want them to see you face this? As a victim or as a fighter and survivor? Should you eventually die from melanoma, do you want them to remember you as someone they were afraid of or as someone who brought them into the fight and loved them through the toughest of times? They need to see the tears, but they don't need a constant flood. There's a difference.
The strongest, bravest face you wear will help you also. Pump yourself up, don't pull yourself down. We know to do that physically. We need to do that spiritually and emotionally/psychologically as well. And when you change that attirude for the better, people are attracted to you and want to help. We need help from others. It's just that simple. If those killer attitudes aren't harnessed and brought under control, people (even family) aren't going to be there for you like they would otherwise.
Admitting the problem is key and then so is seeking help. Talk with someone who understands. This goes for the one with melanoma as well as for the closest family that lives with them. Patient: find someone who has melanoma, preferably your gender and at least your own stage and has traveled this road longer than you have. Caregiver: find someone who is a caregiver and has, preferably, been one longer than you and is your same gender.
If you can tap into at least one online support group, that will be most beneficial. Support of your opposite gender is great, but there will probably be things to discuss that you'll be more comfortable talking over with another person of your sex. Support groups will provide a mixing of genders, races, and ages.
There are several support groups for melanoma survivors and their families on Facebook. There's a thriving melanoma community just waiting to embrace all of you. You can plug in through Melanoma Prayer Center and message me there and let me know what type of support you need. If there's a support group where you live that will be great. Admit you need support and then take steps to get it.
And, learn yourself. Learn how to tell when a full-blown case of attirude is about to kick in and learn what works for you to either stop it or to lessen its effects. Often it will begin a couple of months before your next appointment of any kind. You might start to feel teary, antsy or forgetful. Irritate easily, or sleep more or less than usual. Your appetite may lessen or go through the roof and if you're a drinker you may find yourself reaching for more drinks than usual and at odd times of the day. You may become a hermit. Look for changes in behavior, dress, language, hygiene, etc. Those will be good indicators that something's going on inside and you may be building up in attirude. If you're living in a permanent state of any of these changes, please seek help for your sake and for your family's sake.
So, admit there's a problem, seek help and support, learn your own signs and symptoms, acknowledge your caregiver and family suffers from your attirude and insist they get help as well in living with you.
If you aren't a praying person, now's a great time to start and grow close to God. If you already are a praying person, now's a great time to grow closer to God. Whatever your religious upbringing, or lack thereof, now's a great time to get to know the God of the universe. Learning to live with melanoma is almost like going through a 12-Steps recovery program. It really is. We are powerless in the face of melanoma and can't do a thing about it on our own. Living with melanoma can make us feel like we're going insane and our lives are unmanageable. We decide the only way to get through it is to turn to God or a Power Greater than ourselves. We open our eyes to our own behavior, including any attirudinal tendencies. We talk it out with God and with another person. We ask God to not only remove our attirude problems but all our shortcomings and we pray against our melanoma also. We remember the pain our blow-ups have caused and apologize to those we've hurt and make any necessary amends. We stay conscious of our behavior and do our best to stay on top of it and when we mess up we take steps to correct it. We keep praying about ourselves and our families and we reach out to help others deal with their own melanoma and control the havoc it can cause in their lives. We pay it forward. We keep deciding over and over to live like the survivor we are and not like a victim.
That's the attirude that accompanies our diagnosis, whatever our stage. As we live with the disease, particularly if it worsens, our emotions can go, well, haywire is a fairly nice way to put it. If there is active tumor growth and those tumors are multiplying in organs, it's terrifying beyond words. There really are no words.
Again, please acknowledge your very real fears and anger, all the concerns you have. Don't be put off by the "strength" others exhibit. You don't see them when the lights are out and they're alone. You don't see them when their own attirude flares.
If there's money in the budget, or if insurance will pay for it, talk with your oncologist and ask them to refer you to a good psychiatrist who works with cancer patients. Again, tap into the online community for support. Remember, everything you are feeling, others are feeling. You will have no totally unique feelings or emotions. They may have your own individual twist, but plenty of people will understand and identify with whatever you are going through. Just be honest and you'll be surprised.
The melanoma road is rough and rocky. It sucks. It's painful and full of fear. It changes more than our physical health, it can change our mental health, our emotions, and our spiritual outlooks. Everybody lives with something. This is what we live with. But we have choices.
We choose whether to live as a victim or as a survivor and fighter. We choose whether to make our families victims or survivors and fighters, too.
We choose whether to close ourselves in and off from the world and from support or we choose to bare as much as we're comfortable baring and seek help with this journey.
We choose how much power and control we'll give melanoma. Will we let disease rule or will we let God rule?
We choose how to face this. We choose what we'll teach our children about life, death, and the dash in between. We choose what's important. We choose our priorities. We choose what changes we may need to make in our lives and in our ways of coping. We choose whether to rise above or sink below. We choose to be our best or to be our worst. We choose whether to work to bring melanoma down or not.
We're going to deal with attirude the rest of our lives. We choose whether we'll rule it or will it rule us? We choose how to use our attirude; will we learn to control it and focus it or let it run wild? Will we let it hurt us and our families or not?
Will we let God in the picture and help us or will we thumb our noses at Him?
I'm not grateful for melanoma and I sure hate my attirude. But they have helped me find my better self and for that
I am grateful.
I've blogged about attirude so I won't be redundant but will lift up those posts:
http://letsgivethanks.blogspot.com/2012/02/melanoma-with-attirude.html
http://letsgivethanks.blogspot.com/2012/02/delving-under-attirude-or-dont-mess.html
http://letsgivethanks.blogspot.com/2012/03/biggest-blessing-when-you-have-cancer.html
What I haven't done, is walk us through how to handle it. What to do about it. How to live with it in such a way that our families and friends aren't scared of us and so they can stop walking on eggshells around us.
Ideally, when we get that melanoma diagnosis we are placed in the hands of a psychiatrist who is trained to work with cancer patients. I don't think that ever happens though, but it should, whether we are diagnosed at stage 0, 4, or somewhere in between. Being given a diagnosis of melanoma without someone trained and on hand to immediately begin talking with us and walking us through the emotional changes is like handing the car keys to a four year old and starting the ignition for them, putting it in gear and saying, "Let's see what you can do and how you can handle this baby."
Who would ever do such a thing? And yet, countless times a day, around the world, people and families are thrown into the new world of melanoma in just such a way and are sent home to face this monster, learn about it on their own, and try and navigate new waters without drowning. The more they learn, the scarier the waters get. And let me tell you, scary, shark-infested waters can change our dispositions without us even realizing it. And when we do actually realize it, often we don't know how to change who we've become. We don't like it.
We don't like knowing what we know and living with what we live with. We don't like looking at our spouses and/or young children, or children of any age, and fearing for their future and for our own. We don't like slowly (or quickly depending on circumstances) draining finances and taking away any security in order that we might live. We don't like knowing we may not see our kids grow up and what our absence may mean for their future. We don't like living with the fear of death and of the unknown and we watch what melanoma does to our peers and we know our turn is coming. Or may come. Or maybe not and we'll never know until we know. We don't like knowing that there's a chance we maybe could have lived differently and made better choices along the way and not be in this position and we can't turn the clock back. We don't like knowing that melanoma is now in our family history and those children we dearly love and would gladly lay down our lives for could be the next ones to get it and begin their own journey of horror.
And we don't like knowing what all this can do to our moods. Our emotions become fragile and we realize we really are mortal and our bodies really have let us down. And, maybe God has let us down, too. And we can feel hopeless and helpless and nobody understands and how can they when we don't understand ourselves? Often a psychiatrist is out of the financial picture. Clergy may help, but honestly, unless they've got their own melanoma diagnosis, they aren't going to fully understand. That doesn't mean, though, that good help isn't available from clergy, and if nothing else, a good compassionate listening ear is always useful. Friends and family can provide ears and help, but let's face it, they're the ones who catch our attirude.
Melanoma turns our world upside down. It just does.
We can't change our situation with melanoma, but, we can change how we cope with it. We can change who we are in our situation.
How? Well, first we need to admit we have a problem. If anyone has made remarks about your attitude, it may be time to take those remarks seriously. If your children aren't climbing in your lap like they used to or seem scared of you somehow, if the other parent is constantly telling them to let you rest or leave you alone, if people in your household act like they're walking on eggshells around you, it's time to admit you have a problem with your attitude.
And you may feel entitled to being snappy, angry, depressed, or full of self-pity. I'm not suggesting you don't have just cause...what I am suggesting however is the people you love the most in the world need you to get a grip. They want to help you and love you and support you, but you've got to let them. Driving them away doesn't help anyone. They didn't ask for this diagnosis anymore than you did and in a way, your diagnosis is theirs. Become a united team, not a divided household.
Use this as a teaching time for your children, if you have any. How do you want them to see you face this? As a victim or as a fighter and survivor? Should you eventually die from melanoma, do you want them to remember you as someone they were afraid of or as someone who brought them into the fight and loved them through the toughest of times? They need to see the tears, but they don't need a constant flood. There's a difference.
The strongest, bravest face you wear will help you also. Pump yourself up, don't pull yourself down. We know to do that physically. We need to do that spiritually and emotionally/psychologically as well. And when you change that attirude for the better, people are attracted to you and want to help. We need help from others. It's just that simple. If those killer attitudes aren't harnessed and brought under control, people (even family) aren't going to be there for you like they would otherwise.
Admitting the problem is key and then so is seeking help. Talk with someone who understands. This goes for the one with melanoma as well as for the closest family that lives with them. Patient: find someone who has melanoma, preferably your gender and at least your own stage and has traveled this road longer than you have. Caregiver: find someone who is a caregiver and has, preferably, been one longer than you and is your same gender.
If you can tap into at least one online support group, that will be most beneficial. Support of your opposite gender is great, but there will probably be things to discuss that you'll be more comfortable talking over with another person of your sex. Support groups will provide a mixing of genders, races, and ages.
There are several support groups for melanoma survivors and their families on Facebook. There's a thriving melanoma community just waiting to embrace all of you. You can plug in through Melanoma Prayer Center and message me there and let me know what type of support you need. If there's a support group where you live that will be great. Admit you need support and then take steps to get it.
And, learn yourself. Learn how to tell when a full-blown case of attirude is about to kick in and learn what works for you to either stop it or to lessen its effects. Often it will begin a couple of months before your next appointment of any kind. You might start to feel teary, antsy or forgetful. Irritate easily, or sleep more or less than usual. Your appetite may lessen or go through the roof and if you're a drinker you may find yourself reaching for more drinks than usual and at odd times of the day. You may become a hermit. Look for changes in behavior, dress, language, hygiene, etc. Those will be good indicators that something's going on inside and you may be building up in attirude. If you're living in a permanent state of any of these changes, please seek help for your sake and for your family's sake.
So, admit there's a problem, seek help and support, learn your own signs and symptoms, acknowledge your caregiver and family suffers from your attirude and insist they get help as well in living with you.
If you aren't a praying person, now's a great time to start and grow close to God. If you already are a praying person, now's a great time to grow closer to God. Whatever your religious upbringing, or lack thereof, now's a great time to get to know the God of the universe. Learning to live with melanoma is almost like going through a 12-Steps recovery program. It really is. We are powerless in the face of melanoma and can't do a thing about it on our own. Living with melanoma can make us feel like we're going insane and our lives are unmanageable. We decide the only way to get through it is to turn to God or a Power Greater than ourselves. We open our eyes to our own behavior, including any attirudinal tendencies. We talk it out with God and with another person. We ask God to not only remove our attirude problems but all our shortcomings and we pray against our melanoma also. We remember the pain our blow-ups have caused and apologize to those we've hurt and make any necessary amends. We stay conscious of our behavior and do our best to stay on top of it and when we mess up we take steps to correct it. We keep praying about ourselves and our families and we reach out to help others deal with their own melanoma and control the havoc it can cause in their lives. We pay it forward. We keep deciding over and over to live like the survivor we are and not like a victim.
That's the attirude that accompanies our diagnosis, whatever our stage. As we live with the disease, particularly if it worsens, our emotions can go, well, haywire is a fairly nice way to put it. If there is active tumor growth and those tumors are multiplying in organs, it's terrifying beyond words. There really are no words.
Again, please acknowledge your very real fears and anger, all the concerns you have. Don't be put off by the "strength" others exhibit. You don't see them when the lights are out and they're alone. You don't see them when their own attirude flares.
If there's money in the budget, or if insurance will pay for it, talk with your oncologist and ask them to refer you to a good psychiatrist who works with cancer patients. Again, tap into the online community for support. Remember, everything you are feeling, others are feeling. You will have no totally unique feelings or emotions. They may have your own individual twist, but plenty of people will understand and identify with whatever you are going through. Just be honest and you'll be surprised.
The melanoma road is rough and rocky. It sucks. It's painful and full of fear. It changes more than our physical health, it can change our mental health, our emotions, and our spiritual outlooks. Everybody lives with something. This is what we live with. But we have choices.
We choose whether to live as a victim or as a survivor and fighter. We choose whether to make our families victims or survivors and fighters, too.
We choose whether to close ourselves in and off from the world and from support or we choose to bare as much as we're comfortable baring and seek help with this journey.
We choose how much power and control we'll give melanoma. Will we let disease rule or will we let God rule?
We choose how to face this. We choose what we'll teach our children about life, death, and the dash in between. We choose what's important. We choose our priorities. We choose what changes we may need to make in our lives and in our ways of coping. We choose whether to rise above or sink below. We choose to be our best or to be our worst. We choose whether to work to bring melanoma down or not.
We're going to deal with attirude the rest of our lives. We choose whether we'll rule it or will it rule us? We choose how to use our attirude; will we learn to control it and focus it or let it run wild? Will we let it hurt us and our families or not?
Will we let God in the picture and help us or will we thumb our noses at Him?
I'm not grateful for melanoma and I sure hate my attirude. But they have helped me find my better self and for that
I am grateful.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
What Was God Thinking?
Day before yesterday, as I write, a dear Facebook friend and fellow melanoma warrior posted about how our tight community has lost two young fathers to melanoma within a day of each other. He asked "What was God thinking?" I responded something to the effect of, "I sure hope that's not bait 'cause this fish isn't biting."
When will I ever learn to keep thoughts like that to myself? People let it go and didn't follow up; my friend was wise and didn't taunt me by dangling more bait and luring me into deep discussion. But I can't get that question, "What was God thinking?" out of my brain.
If we're honest, we all ask that kind of question either to each other or directly to God Himself. Some of us, like me, do both. I've written before about "why?" and don't want to be redundant here. I just want to share and ramble some and maybe someone somewhere will find it useful.
I think it's good to wrestle with these questions and I think God delights in us asking "What were You thinking, God, when...?" When I got cancer? When someone young died? When tragedy struck? Why didn't You step in and stop it? Even when we choose to bow to God's control and sovereignty we question it. Even if it's only in our hearts. God's big enough to handle us and our questions.
Are we big enough to handle God's answers? I think that's where we can run into trouble because often we really don't like what the answers appear to be and they aren't changing. God may love me, but He doesn't love me enough to change Who He Is to suit me and paint my canvas the way I dictate. Or maybe He doesn't change to suit me because He does love me more than I'll ever imagine or understand. And I have to fit into the world and His great plan. I didn't choose to be here; God chose me to be here. There are all sorts of theologies and beliefs that people hold to for our lives beyond that point. Some have us on a very strict calendar, timetable, and tight puppet strings. Some have us completely free to go and be and do and live. And then there are others all along the spectrum between these two bookends.
No matter where we find ourselves along that theological spectrum, I advise starting with Scripture. That will be the Tanakh for our Jewish friends and the Bible for our Christian friends (one with both Old and New Testaments please, not New only!). I also advise sitting down and holding that discussion with someone who can look you in the eyes and hear your heart as well as what you're saying and help you make sense out of the senseless. Someone who has studied the Word and can help you find answers in it. They may not be complete answers. They may leave you with more questions. But we need to look at what the authoritative Word of God has to say about life and death issues instead of making it up as we go along.
Frankly, that's what too many of us do and then we can go around telling people, "I think. I believe." And we have no solid Biblical basis and we can lead people astray with what sounds good but isn't true. Even my "agnostic on his best days and atheist on his worst days" College Kid backs up what he thinks with science. He doesn't hold to what suits him. We have to look beyond ourselves.
When I look to the Bible, beginning with Genesis, I find that, no matter how God created, He brought forth a world that was perfect and good and we were very good. He brought it forth out of chaos and we have returned to chaos. The world ceased being perfect long ago and people did, too. Our fragile bodies are part of that imperfect world and are susceptible to everything that imperfection has to throw at it and it does throw! Everyday, all day.
There are laws of nature. There are behaviors we people can, and do, engage in that are destructive. We may not know they are destructive, but if we engage in them, we are at risk for suffering consequences. We may suffer those consequences in our own bodies or we may inflict consequences on others. For example, drunk driving. My Daddy's Daddy was killed by a drunk driver when my Daddy was 7 years old. The consequences of that one man's actions were far-reaching and long-lasting. God stopped none of it but He redeemed and transformed all of it.
We in the world of cancer, particularly melanoma, rightfully get upset when two young fathers die within a day of each other. That's one very small corner of a very large canvas. They weren't the only two who died of melanoma in that time span. They weren't the only young parents who died.
Every day, around the world, thousands upon thousands of people of all ages and family structures die. Disease, famine, war, accidents, murder, natural disasters, the causes are massive and run a wide gamut. Every day, countless children are left without one parent or both. Every day parents are robbed of their children. Worldwide.
And we ask, "What was God thinking?"
All through Scripture, God speaks up and reminds us that He is God and we are not. He has been from the beginning and we have not. He always comes to His children's rescue, but because He sees "time" differently from us, it may not be in our particular generation. But, at just the right time, He rescues and saves and it is always in a mighty way that makes people sit up and take notice. But before the mighty rescue, there is a long season of suffering. God just simply does not have a history of dropping everything and rushing to put an end to our pain the second it starts.
Though God can, and sometimes does, suspend the laws of nature, often He chooses not to and, instead, He makes a way in the face of massive pain and destruction and death for His children to aid His children.
The same with diseases that can take over and kill our bodies. God could choose miraculous healings for all of us and at the first inkling of disease, but rarely does. Instead, He chooses to carry us through these times and let us testify to His goodness, power, hope, faithfulness, and love through them.
Though we have our own ideas of how long we should live, and let's face it, it's never long enough, God sees our lifespans differently from us. He has been known to take a lifespan of a few hours and use it just as mightily as He uses the lifespan of someone who sees 100 years.
And we ask, "What was God thinking?" And there are some questions we'll never fully answer and the answers leave us with more questions. But they also keep us talking to God, trying to figure it out and make that sense out of the senseless and we look back and see how far we've come in spite of us and our circumstances.
We know and understand we aren't in a perfect world and we aren't perfect and our bodies sure aren't perfect. But, man, it sure does bite when imperfection collides with our own little world.
And we ask, "What was God thinking?"
And I've learned that not only is God big enough to handle that question, but He's also big enough to answer it. I probably won't see how He answers it in the lives of the families who buried way too young warriors, but, in time, they probably will come to understand a partial answer.
All I know is that I believe what Scripture testifies to about God, what Church tradition testifies to about God, what my reason and life's experience testify to about God and that is that
God Is Love and He gives good gifts to His children. When the un-understandable happens, sure I cry and I question, but God has worked with me enough on this issue that I know His ways are not my ways and His understanding is not mine. I dare not trust my own.
But I can trust His even when I don't like it.
And I am grateful.
When will I ever learn to keep thoughts like that to myself? People let it go and didn't follow up; my friend was wise and didn't taunt me by dangling more bait and luring me into deep discussion. But I can't get that question, "What was God thinking?" out of my brain.
If we're honest, we all ask that kind of question either to each other or directly to God Himself. Some of us, like me, do both. I've written before about "why?" and don't want to be redundant here. I just want to share and ramble some and maybe someone somewhere will find it useful.
I think it's good to wrestle with these questions and I think God delights in us asking "What were You thinking, God, when...?" When I got cancer? When someone young died? When tragedy struck? Why didn't You step in and stop it? Even when we choose to bow to God's control and sovereignty we question it. Even if it's only in our hearts. God's big enough to handle us and our questions.
Are we big enough to handle God's answers? I think that's where we can run into trouble because often we really don't like what the answers appear to be and they aren't changing. God may love me, but He doesn't love me enough to change Who He Is to suit me and paint my canvas the way I dictate. Or maybe He doesn't change to suit me because He does love me more than I'll ever imagine or understand. And I have to fit into the world and His great plan. I didn't choose to be here; God chose me to be here. There are all sorts of theologies and beliefs that people hold to for our lives beyond that point. Some have us on a very strict calendar, timetable, and tight puppet strings. Some have us completely free to go and be and do and live. And then there are others all along the spectrum between these two bookends.
No matter where we find ourselves along that theological spectrum, I advise starting with Scripture. That will be the Tanakh for our Jewish friends and the Bible for our Christian friends (one with both Old and New Testaments please, not New only!). I also advise sitting down and holding that discussion with someone who can look you in the eyes and hear your heart as well as what you're saying and help you make sense out of the senseless. Someone who has studied the Word and can help you find answers in it. They may not be complete answers. They may leave you with more questions. But we need to look at what the authoritative Word of God has to say about life and death issues instead of making it up as we go along.
Frankly, that's what too many of us do and then we can go around telling people, "I think. I believe." And we have no solid Biblical basis and we can lead people astray with what sounds good but isn't true. Even my "agnostic on his best days and atheist on his worst days" College Kid backs up what he thinks with science. He doesn't hold to what suits him. We have to look beyond ourselves.
When I look to the Bible, beginning with Genesis, I find that, no matter how God created, He brought forth a world that was perfect and good and we were very good. He brought it forth out of chaos and we have returned to chaos. The world ceased being perfect long ago and people did, too. Our fragile bodies are part of that imperfect world and are susceptible to everything that imperfection has to throw at it and it does throw! Everyday, all day.
There are laws of nature. There are behaviors we people can, and do, engage in that are destructive. We may not know they are destructive, but if we engage in them, we are at risk for suffering consequences. We may suffer those consequences in our own bodies or we may inflict consequences on others. For example, drunk driving. My Daddy's Daddy was killed by a drunk driver when my Daddy was 7 years old. The consequences of that one man's actions were far-reaching and long-lasting. God stopped none of it but He redeemed and transformed all of it.
We in the world of cancer, particularly melanoma, rightfully get upset when two young fathers die within a day of each other. That's one very small corner of a very large canvas. They weren't the only two who died of melanoma in that time span. They weren't the only young parents who died.
Every day, around the world, thousands upon thousands of people of all ages and family structures die. Disease, famine, war, accidents, murder, natural disasters, the causes are massive and run a wide gamut. Every day, countless children are left without one parent or both. Every day parents are robbed of their children. Worldwide.
And we ask, "What was God thinking?"
All through Scripture, God speaks up and reminds us that He is God and we are not. He has been from the beginning and we have not. He always comes to His children's rescue, but because He sees "time" differently from us, it may not be in our particular generation. But, at just the right time, He rescues and saves and it is always in a mighty way that makes people sit up and take notice. But before the mighty rescue, there is a long season of suffering. God just simply does not have a history of dropping everything and rushing to put an end to our pain the second it starts.
Though God can, and sometimes does, suspend the laws of nature, often He chooses not to and, instead, He makes a way in the face of massive pain and destruction and death for His children to aid His children.
The same with diseases that can take over and kill our bodies. God could choose miraculous healings for all of us and at the first inkling of disease, but rarely does. Instead, He chooses to carry us through these times and let us testify to His goodness, power, hope, faithfulness, and love through them.
Though we have our own ideas of how long we should live, and let's face it, it's never long enough, God sees our lifespans differently from us. He has been known to take a lifespan of a few hours and use it just as mightily as He uses the lifespan of someone who sees 100 years.
And we ask, "What was God thinking?" And there are some questions we'll never fully answer and the answers leave us with more questions. But they also keep us talking to God, trying to figure it out and make that sense out of the senseless and we look back and see how far we've come in spite of us and our circumstances.
We know and understand we aren't in a perfect world and we aren't perfect and our bodies sure aren't perfect. But, man, it sure does bite when imperfection collides with our own little world.
And we ask, "What was God thinking?"
And I've learned that not only is God big enough to handle that question, but He's also big enough to answer it. I probably won't see how He answers it in the lives of the families who buried way too young warriors, but, in time, they probably will come to understand a partial answer.
All I know is that I believe what Scripture testifies to about God, what Church tradition testifies to about God, what my reason and life's experience testify to about God and that is that
God Is Love and He gives good gifts to His children. When the un-understandable happens, sure I cry and I question, but God has worked with me enough on this issue that I know His ways are not my ways and His understanding is not mine. I dare not trust my own.
But I can trust His even when I don't like it.
And I am grateful.
Monday, May 7, 2012
My Questions Without Answers Yet God's Promises Remain
Tenth Avenue North sings one of my favorite songs, Hold My Heart, and it has two lines in it I just love, "So many questions without answers. Your promises remain."
That "so many questions" would be me. "...without answers" would be me, too. It doesn't matter how many extra words I throw in, no matter the nature of my questions, they can usually distill into "Why?" No matter what question I ask, God has a way of, sooner or later, letting me see a promise in action. Often I see a Psalm played out in response to my un-Job-like queries. Usually that Psalm is Psalm 23.
Why? Because I, the Lord, am your shepherd and whether you see it or not or understand it or not, you have all you need in Me. I promise.
Why? Because I'm leading you and I've got this. Need to rest? Need to rejuvenate? I'm leading you where you need to go. Trust your Shepherd.
Why? Because I'm guiding you where you need to go in order to bring Me glory. People will see Me at work in your life and trust Me to work in theirs.
Why? Because even in your life's dark times, I'm leading you and I promise to lead you when you face the darkest time you'll ever see. I'm going to lead you through this life, through the transitioning moment of death, and into the next life and you'll never make that journey again. I'm here, don't be scared.
Why? I'm protecting you, don't worry. And when you need comforting, I'm doing that, too. I've got what I need for those jobs. Remember, I'm your Shepherd. You just relax and be a good sheep and follow My Voice. Your life will go better when you do that.
Why? Because I've prepared the best place for you that you can imagine and all the enemies you faced in your earthly, mortal life won't ever get at you again. Not only that, but they'll see me pamper you and love on you and because I'm God and they aren't allowed in Heaven, they can't prevent the good things that will come your way forever and ever.
Why? Because even when you doubted, questioned, begged, and turned away, I doggedly pursued you with my Love and Goodness.
Why? So you could live with Me forever.
Be grateful.
That "so many questions" would be me. "...without answers" would be me, too. It doesn't matter how many extra words I throw in, no matter the nature of my questions, they can usually distill into "Why?" No matter what question I ask, God has a way of, sooner or later, letting me see a promise in action. Often I see a Psalm played out in response to my un-Job-like queries. Usually that Psalm is Psalm 23.
Why? Because I, the Lord, am your shepherd and whether you see it or not or understand it or not, you have all you need in Me. I promise.
Why? Because I'm leading you and I've got this. Need to rest? Need to rejuvenate? I'm leading you where you need to go. Trust your Shepherd.
Why? Because I'm guiding you where you need to go in order to bring Me glory. People will see Me at work in your life and trust Me to work in theirs.
Why? Because even in your life's dark times, I'm leading you and I promise to lead you when you face the darkest time you'll ever see. I'm going to lead you through this life, through the transitioning moment of death, and into the next life and you'll never make that journey again. I'm here, don't be scared.
Why? I'm protecting you, don't worry. And when you need comforting, I'm doing that, too. I've got what I need for those jobs. Remember, I'm your Shepherd. You just relax and be a good sheep and follow My Voice. Your life will go better when you do that.
Why? Because I've prepared the best place for you that you can imagine and all the enemies you faced in your earthly, mortal life won't ever get at you again. Not only that, but they'll see me pamper you and love on you and because I'm God and they aren't allowed in Heaven, they can't prevent the good things that will come your way forever and ever.
Why? Because even when you doubted, questioned, begged, and turned away, I doggedly pursued you with my Love and Goodness.
Why? So you could live with Me forever.
Be grateful.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Melanoma NEVER Wins! It ALWAYS Loses!
SCRABBLE is my game; always has been. Growing up it was me and my Daddy at the Scrabble board. Sometimes my Mama and/or younger brother would pull up a chair and attempt to play and give us some competition. But we eventually weeded them out. Daddy and I would have tournaments on up into my teen years. We were cutthroat. If I beat him I knew I had WON! It didn't happen much but when it did, well, I can spell "g-l-o-a-t."
When my children came along, learning Scrabble wasn't an option. They're nine years apart, girl and then boy, and they were different people, so there were some differences in raising...but not when it came to playing Scrabble with them. There wasn't but one way to play and that was my way. Oh, and they started young when just learning to spell.
We played by the rules but if they got stuck and couldn't figure out anything to do with their tiles, and I do mean anything, I'd help them. When I helped them, I worked with their tiles as if they were my own and looked for the best word they could play and for the absolute most points. Even if it cost me a triple points square that I had planned to play on. Even if I could use all seven of their tiles and they got all those points plus the 50 bonus points. I taught them how to play the best game of Scrabble they could and to play to win.
Despite that assistance, I never ever let them win. I was still a cutthroat and if someone, even my child, wins against me, it's a win they've won. It hasn't been handed to them. They knew that. As they grew, the time came when each actually won a game or two (or more) against me. The first time each won they were suspicious of me and I remember each one asking me if I let them win. They couldn't believe they had beat me on their own. No help from me either. They fought and they fought hard. They used what they had to the best of their abilities, stuck with the game through the good tiles and board and through the rotten. They persevered. And when they won, it was glorious and I was proud.
But you know what? When they "lost," I was proud because they still fought hard to win. They gave it all they had right up until the final tile of the game was played and any points on unused tiles were deducted and final scores were tallied. They did their best not to let Mom beat them again. Watching them plot, plan, strategize, and being determined to bring me down made me think of them as winners. Who cared what the score said? My kids were winners because they played like winners and they saw the game through to the end with their heads held high and they knew one day they'd win. They knew that even though it may take a while, they would, one day, bring me down and be triumphant over me.
And that was just Scrabble! And that was just me and my two children! Can we step back, just a moment, and imagine how God must watch His children come up against something like cancer? Like Melanoma?
I'm stage 3b and haven't had to enter that fight for my life but I've watched plenty who have. Many are stage 4 and fighting for life. All people who are stage 4 are at different places with their own melanoma journey. Some are on trials and treatments. Some are fighting the tumors with surgery. Some mix chemicals and surgery. There's gamma knife and radiation. Some have been through these things and are doing well. Some will be engaging the fight for the rest of their lives. Some lives are drawing to a close.
Every day approximately 24 people in the USA alone rest from their battles. That means thousands more are, every day, in the process of laying their battles down. They are people of all ages. Literally. They are people of all races. Literally. We tend to pigeon-hole what melanoma looks like. Look in a mirror. It looks like you. Trust me when I say that if you ever get melanoma and fight the fights my friends have fought and run the races they've run, you will NOT want to be referred to as a "loser," as someone who is losing their battle to melanoma. Has lost their battle.
If I ever hit stage 4 and fight that kind of fight and run through Heaven's Gates of Praise because of melanoma, nobody had better say I lost my battle. I will come back and haunt them. God willing!
In 2 Timothy 4: 7-8a, Paul writes, "I have fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith. At last the champion’s wreath that is awarded for righteousness is waiting for me" (Common English Bible).
He fought. He finished. He kept the faith. He won. Say that again! He won. Paul had a champion's wreath waiting for him because he fought, he raced, he finished, he kept the faith.
He fought and raced with God at his side helping him every step of the way and when life wasn't going in Paul's favor, God taught him how to persevere and keep fighting and racing to the very end.
Paul fought a lot of things and endured much. Those of us who fight melanoma to the very end do too. Paul raced his enemies; sometimes he was a step ahead of them and sometimes they caught up with him and it wasn't pretty. But Paul never threw in the towel. He never quit. Even when he walked to the executioner's block, his head was held high to the very end. He had fought proudly and he had raced wildly. And he won. He won because he kept the faith right up until the end of his life.
All his opponents couldn't kill his faith. Even when his body was killed, his faith saw him through and his faith made him a winner. Nobody has ever called Paul a loser. Nobody has ever said Paul lost his fight or his race. His life is celebrated and remembered and he is heralded as a giant of the faith. In the face of adversity... raw, dire adversity, Paul wasn't deterred. He stuck with God and God stuck with Paul and when Paul was greeted at Heaven's gates, he was handed a champion's wreath, a victor's crown. A symbol of his victory.
Nothing is said about Paul losing to his enemy.
Because Paul's enemy didn't win. It lost. Big time. His body was mortal and it could be killed and it was. Paul's faith couldn't be touched, his spirit was immortal, and Paul will never taste death again.
So why do we say people who die of cancer lose their battle? It's not right and it's not fair.
They fought the good fight. With honor, dignity, and they persevered through much.
They ran the race set before them and they ran it through Heaven's Gates of Praise and were welcomed by God.
They kept the faith. Cancer gave it the best shot it could and tried to kill their faith and couldn't. It could only kill that which will die one day anyway. And I do NOT mean that flippantly! Just honestly. None of us are guaranteed time of any quantity or quality. Not here on this earth anyway.
And God Himself handed them a sign of champions and winners and victors.
How dare we say they "lost?" Cancer could not and did not follow them into eternity. Cancer failed to do the one big thing it wanted to do and that was kill their faith and ruin their relationship with God. Cancer lost the battle against our warriors. Not vice versa. Let's get it straight.
We grieve. We mourn. We cry. But we don't do it over losers.
We do it over winners. That is their undying legacy: The fight. The race. The faith they kept. The crown they won.
And I am grateful!
When my children came along, learning Scrabble wasn't an option. They're nine years apart, girl and then boy, and they were different people, so there were some differences in raising...but not when it came to playing Scrabble with them. There wasn't but one way to play and that was my way. Oh, and they started young when just learning to spell.
We played by the rules but if they got stuck and couldn't figure out anything to do with their tiles, and I do mean anything, I'd help them. When I helped them, I worked with their tiles as if they were my own and looked for the best word they could play and for the absolute most points. Even if it cost me a triple points square that I had planned to play on. Even if I could use all seven of their tiles and they got all those points plus the 50 bonus points. I taught them how to play the best game of Scrabble they could and to play to win.
Despite that assistance, I never ever let them win. I was still a cutthroat and if someone, even my child, wins against me, it's a win they've won. It hasn't been handed to them. They knew that. As they grew, the time came when each actually won a game or two (or more) against me. The first time each won they were suspicious of me and I remember each one asking me if I let them win. They couldn't believe they had beat me on their own. No help from me either. They fought and they fought hard. They used what they had to the best of their abilities, stuck with the game through the good tiles and board and through the rotten. They persevered. And when they won, it was glorious and I was proud.
But you know what? When they "lost," I was proud because they still fought hard to win. They gave it all they had right up until the final tile of the game was played and any points on unused tiles were deducted and final scores were tallied. They did their best not to let Mom beat them again. Watching them plot, plan, strategize, and being determined to bring me down made me think of them as winners. Who cared what the score said? My kids were winners because they played like winners and they saw the game through to the end with their heads held high and they knew one day they'd win. They knew that even though it may take a while, they would, one day, bring me down and be triumphant over me.
And that was just Scrabble! And that was just me and my two children! Can we step back, just a moment, and imagine how God must watch His children come up against something like cancer? Like Melanoma?
I'm stage 3b and haven't had to enter that fight for my life but I've watched plenty who have. Many are stage 4 and fighting for life. All people who are stage 4 are at different places with their own melanoma journey. Some are on trials and treatments. Some are fighting the tumors with surgery. Some mix chemicals and surgery. There's gamma knife and radiation. Some have been through these things and are doing well. Some will be engaging the fight for the rest of their lives. Some lives are drawing to a close.
Every day approximately 24 people in the USA alone rest from their battles. That means thousands more are, every day, in the process of laying their battles down. They are people of all ages. Literally. They are people of all races. Literally. We tend to pigeon-hole what melanoma looks like. Look in a mirror. It looks like you. Trust me when I say that if you ever get melanoma and fight the fights my friends have fought and run the races they've run, you will NOT want to be referred to as a "loser," as someone who is losing their battle to melanoma. Has lost their battle.
If I ever hit stage 4 and fight that kind of fight and run through Heaven's Gates of Praise because of melanoma, nobody had better say I lost my battle. I will come back and haunt them. God willing!
In 2 Timothy 4: 7-8a, Paul writes, "I have fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith. At last the champion’s wreath that is awarded for righteousness is waiting for me" (Common English Bible).
He fought. He finished. He kept the faith. He won. Say that again! He won. Paul had a champion's wreath waiting for him because he fought, he raced, he finished, he kept the faith.
He fought and raced with God at his side helping him every step of the way and when life wasn't going in Paul's favor, God taught him how to persevere and keep fighting and racing to the very end.
Paul fought a lot of things and endured much. Those of us who fight melanoma to the very end do too. Paul raced his enemies; sometimes he was a step ahead of them and sometimes they caught up with him and it wasn't pretty. But Paul never threw in the towel. He never quit. Even when he walked to the executioner's block, his head was held high to the very end. He had fought proudly and he had raced wildly. And he won. He won because he kept the faith right up until the end of his life.
All his opponents couldn't kill his faith. Even when his body was killed, his faith saw him through and his faith made him a winner. Nobody has ever called Paul a loser. Nobody has ever said Paul lost his fight or his race. His life is celebrated and remembered and he is heralded as a giant of the faith. In the face of adversity... raw, dire adversity, Paul wasn't deterred. He stuck with God and God stuck with Paul and when Paul was greeted at Heaven's gates, he was handed a champion's wreath, a victor's crown. A symbol of his victory.
Nothing is said about Paul losing to his enemy.
Because Paul's enemy didn't win. It lost. Big time. His body was mortal and it could be killed and it was. Paul's faith couldn't be touched, his spirit was immortal, and Paul will never taste death again.
So why do we say people who die of cancer lose their battle? It's not right and it's not fair.
They fought the good fight. With honor, dignity, and they persevered through much.
They ran the race set before them and they ran it through Heaven's Gates of Praise and were welcomed by God.
They kept the faith. Cancer gave it the best shot it could and tried to kill their faith and couldn't. It could only kill that which will die one day anyway. And I do NOT mean that flippantly! Just honestly. None of us are guaranteed time of any quantity or quality. Not here on this earth anyway.
And God Himself handed them a sign of champions and winners and victors.
How dare we say they "lost?" Cancer could not and did not follow them into eternity. Cancer failed to do the one big thing it wanted to do and that was kill their faith and ruin their relationship with God. Cancer lost the battle against our warriors. Not vice versa. Let's get it straight.
We grieve. We mourn. We cry. But we don't do it over losers.
We do it over winners. That is their undying legacy: The fight. The race. The faith they kept. The crown they won.
And I am grateful!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Before You Start That Cancer Support Group, Especially If You Have That Cancer
We all need support. Especially if a disease or chronic condition is part of life. That is particularly true in the world of cancer. The person who has cancer needs support; their immediate caregiver and family (if the two are different) need support; if there are children, they need support, as do parents, siblings, spouses. Everybody. Thankfully, the Internet opens up doors that were never possible before.
It used to be a person tried to find a support group where they lived. If one wasn't handy, they suffered or started one themselves. That's still a viable and great option. There's nothing like a real shoulder to cry on, person to lean on, ears to hear, and real arms to give a hug.
The Internet, particularly Facebook, makes it easier to connect with people around the world who walk in shoes similar to yours. There are all kinds of groups on Facebook. The ones I want to focus on are those that deal with supporting people who live with a disease that can be deadly, like cancer in general and melanoma in particular and melanoma is the example I will use because that's the one I'm intimately familiar with.
The Teacher tells us in Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12,
It's better to have a partner than go it alone.
Share the work, share the wealth.
And if one falls down, the other helps,
But if there's no one to help, tough!
Two in a bed warm each other.
Alone, you shiver all night.
By yourself you're unprotected.
With a friend you can face the worst.
Can you round up a third?
A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped. (The Message)
In the world of melanoma, we all want to be that "partner." We want to be there to share and help; to make sure no one is alone if we can help it. We want to be that friend when fellow warriors face the worst melanoma can bring their way. Some of us are called to make sure extra strands are part of the picture in order to provide as much support as possible.
And that's good and worthy and noble. It's a high calling and lofty aspiration. It's desperately needed. And it requires someone who is sure that's the path God is leading them down because it requires someone with a strong heart, pliable spirit, pliable heart, strong spirit, plenty of tears, nerves of steel, compassion, and the ability to stand with someone as they say good bye to this world and hello to the next. It requires someone who can say "I hate melanoma but I trust God more than I hate melanoma."
And, no, I"m not talking about me. People expect that to be part of the "preacher package." I'm talking about the person who has no training in pastoral care of the dying, but chooses to allow a part of themselves to die with each friend. I'm talking about the person who hasn't learned to be a hospital chaplain but chooses to minister to as many as possible because they feel it's the right thing for them to do. I'm talking about the person who has melanoma and knows it can kill them and knows the stories they'll hear as they share lives can becomes their story but they choose to walk the road with as many as possible even though it causes their heart to break countless times in countless ways.
I'm talking about the lay person who feels led, by God, to begin a cancer support group, either face-to-face or online. If you feel this is something you want to pursue, be prepared.
Be prepared to become more than the group leader. You will come to know and love every person that joins your group. No matter how active or inactive they choose to be, you will immediately identify with them and care because they have what you have. You share shoes.
Be prepared to get closer to some than to others. Some you'll actually know or get to meet in person along the journey. If and when their journey takes a downward turn, be prepared because you've already chosen to walk this through to the end with them. You will want to do no less and to do less will become unthinkable. Be prepared. It will rip your heart out. Every time.
Be prepared to pray and to cuss. Just a little. A little cussing and a lot of praying. Never reverse the order; though, to be honest, you may go through seasons when you want to throw in the towel. Be prepared for those seasons because at least one will come. Be prepared to stick with it for the simple reason that you can't and won't desert the ones you love and who depend on you.
Be prepared for tears because they'll come, but also be prepared for joy, laughs, and miracles because they'll come too.
Be prepared for your heart to break and be prepared for it to mend and for you to become a stronger you than you ever thought possible. Every time your heart breaks and mends, you'll be different. Somehow. More resolved and determined than ever to do what you can to provide support and see a cure. More resolved and determined that you'll be there for your friends but you don't want more "friends" so you get more involved and work against that which works against you.
Be prepared for life changes because the more stories you hear, the closer you become to people, the more you see your story reflected in theirs, the more of a force to reckon with you'll become. And that can be a good thing. Make sure it's a good thing.
Be prepared to give your group all you've got to give, not because you have to but because you love them and admire them and because you want to. Because you know deep down and on the surface that one day you may need to hand the reins of your group over to someone else because melanoma has reared its head in such a way that you can't continue. Because you'll want someone there for you the way you've been there for others.
This isn't something everyone on the planet is cut out for or called to do. Often the ones called never thought of themselves as being cut out for this but wouldn't trade their group for the world.
Providing a place to share, help, support, and make those strong strands and keeping it going, growing, and being all that it can and should be isn't easy work. But it's necessary. It's a God-given ministry and when He calls, He resources and makes able. It's tough as hell and harder than people can imagine if they are group members only.
And it is gratifying. For all who lead cancer support groups in general and melanoma support groups in particular...
We, your beneficiaries, are mighty grateful!
It used to be a person tried to find a support group where they lived. If one wasn't handy, they suffered or started one themselves. That's still a viable and great option. There's nothing like a real shoulder to cry on, person to lean on, ears to hear, and real arms to give a hug.
The Internet, particularly Facebook, makes it easier to connect with people around the world who walk in shoes similar to yours. There are all kinds of groups on Facebook. The ones I want to focus on are those that deal with supporting people who live with a disease that can be deadly, like cancer in general and melanoma in particular and melanoma is the example I will use because that's the one I'm intimately familiar with.
The Teacher tells us in Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12,
It's better to have a partner than go it alone.
Share the work, share the wealth.
And if one falls down, the other helps,
But if there's no one to help, tough!
Two in a bed warm each other.
Alone, you shiver all night.
By yourself you're unprotected.
With a friend you can face the worst.
Can you round up a third?
A three-stranded rope isn't easily snapped. (The Message)
In the world of melanoma, we all want to be that "partner." We want to be there to share and help; to make sure no one is alone if we can help it. We want to be that friend when fellow warriors face the worst melanoma can bring their way. Some of us are called to make sure extra strands are part of the picture in order to provide as much support as possible.
And that's good and worthy and noble. It's a high calling and lofty aspiration. It's desperately needed. And it requires someone who is sure that's the path God is leading them down because it requires someone with a strong heart, pliable spirit, pliable heart, strong spirit, plenty of tears, nerves of steel, compassion, and the ability to stand with someone as they say good bye to this world and hello to the next. It requires someone who can say "I hate melanoma but I trust God more than I hate melanoma."
And, no, I"m not talking about me. People expect that to be part of the "preacher package." I'm talking about the person who has no training in pastoral care of the dying, but chooses to allow a part of themselves to die with each friend. I'm talking about the person who hasn't learned to be a hospital chaplain but chooses to minister to as many as possible because they feel it's the right thing for them to do. I'm talking about the person who has melanoma and knows it can kill them and knows the stories they'll hear as they share lives can becomes their story but they choose to walk the road with as many as possible even though it causes their heart to break countless times in countless ways.
I'm talking about the lay person who feels led, by God, to begin a cancer support group, either face-to-face or online. If you feel this is something you want to pursue, be prepared.
Be prepared to become more than the group leader. You will come to know and love every person that joins your group. No matter how active or inactive they choose to be, you will immediately identify with them and care because they have what you have. You share shoes.
Be prepared to get closer to some than to others. Some you'll actually know or get to meet in person along the journey. If and when their journey takes a downward turn, be prepared because you've already chosen to walk this through to the end with them. You will want to do no less and to do less will become unthinkable. Be prepared. It will rip your heart out. Every time.
Be prepared to pray and to cuss. Just a little. A little cussing and a lot of praying. Never reverse the order; though, to be honest, you may go through seasons when you want to throw in the towel. Be prepared for those seasons because at least one will come. Be prepared to stick with it for the simple reason that you can't and won't desert the ones you love and who depend on you.
Be prepared for tears because they'll come, but also be prepared for joy, laughs, and miracles because they'll come too.
Be prepared for your heart to break and be prepared for it to mend and for you to become a stronger you than you ever thought possible. Every time your heart breaks and mends, you'll be different. Somehow. More resolved and determined than ever to do what you can to provide support and see a cure. More resolved and determined that you'll be there for your friends but you don't want more "friends" so you get more involved and work against that which works against you.
Be prepared for life changes because the more stories you hear, the closer you become to people, the more you see your story reflected in theirs, the more of a force to reckon with you'll become. And that can be a good thing. Make sure it's a good thing.
Be prepared to give your group all you've got to give, not because you have to but because you love them and admire them and because you want to. Because you know deep down and on the surface that one day you may need to hand the reins of your group over to someone else because melanoma has reared its head in such a way that you can't continue. Because you'll want someone there for you the way you've been there for others.
This isn't something everyone on the planet is cut out for or called to do. Often the ones called never thought of themselves as being cut out for this but wouldn't trade their group for the world.
Providing a place to share, help, support, and make those strong strands and keeping it going, growing, and being all that it can and should be isn't easy work. But it's necessary. It's a God-given ministry and when He calls, He resources and makes able. It's tough as hell and harder than people can imagine if they are group members only.
And it is gratifying. For all who lead cancer support groups in general and melanoma support groups in particular...
We, your beneficiaries, are mighty grateful!
Friday, May 4, 2012
You Are Already A Melanoma Statistic!
I'll keep this short and sweet. Promise.
You either have melanoma or you don't. You're on one side or the other of that 100% chance stat and there's a stat if that stat will change.
If you have melanoma, there is a zero % chance that stat will ever be zero again. But there are stats as to what your stat can change to at any given time. The stats are 100% that if they change, they'll go higher.
If you do not have melanoma, but have skin, finger nails, toe nails, eyes, or any orifice that has some mucus in it, there are stats that you may develop melanoma in any of those places during your life. You may be on one side of the melanoma stat today and another side tomorrow but once you go from the "no melanoma" stat to the "have melanoma" stat, there's 100% chance you'll never go back to the other side again.
So, you're already a melanoma statistic. You're either one of those people without it. For now. Or you're one of those people with it. For ever. The without its can become with its and never go back. The with its will always, from here on out, be with it. There's a 100% chance of all that, too, and because those stats are people...me...you...us, we need to take the stats thrown at us during the month of May, Melanoma Awareness Month, and all year round seriously.
I live on the with it side of the melanoma statistic. In this sense, "with it" is so 100% not cool!
If you live on the other side of the melanoma statistic, please take proper precautions to stay there.
There are few 100% guarantees in this life, but there are two.
I can 100% guarantee that you do not want melanoma and will wish, 100%, you had taken every precaution you could to prevent it should you ever find yourself on the other side of the stat..
May is Melanoma Awareness Month and in some circles, Skin Cancer Awareness Month with Monday May 7th designated as Melanoma Monday.
Make those who love you 100% grateful and make all lifestyle changes that are necessary to lessen your chances of getting melanoma.
We're all melanoma statistics, one way or the other. But 100% of us are 100% more than that because we are 100% people. We're in this together.
100% of us with melanoma don't want our numbers to grow and more people get that diagnosis.
100% of us with melanoma want to be grateful that you've listened to our stories, heard us, applied what we say to your life, and prayerfully you never join our ranks.
When that happens, 100% of us on both sides of the melanoma stat will be extremely grateful!
You either have melanoma or you don't. You're on one side or the other of that 100% chance stat and there's a stat if that stat will change.
If you have melanoma, there is a zero % chance that stat will ever be zero again. But there are stats as to what your stat can change to at any given time. The stats are 100% that if they change, they'll go higher.
If you do not have melanoma, but have skin, finger nails, toe nails, eyes, or any orifice that has some mucus in it, there are stats that you may develop melanoma in any of those places during your life. You may be on one side of the melanoma stat today and another side tomorrow but once you go from the "no melanoma" stat to the "have melanoma" stat, there's 100% chance you'll never go back to the other side again.
So, you're already a melanoma statistic. You're either one of those people without it. For now. Or you're one of those people with it. For ever. The without its can become with its and never go back. The with its will always, from here on out, be with it. There's a 100% chance of all that, too, and because those stats are people...me...you...us, we need to take the stats thrown at us during the month of May, Melanoma Awareness Month, and all year round seriously.
I live on the with it side of the melanoma statistic. In this sense, "with it" is so 100% not cool!
If you live on the other side of the melanoma statistic, please take proper precautions to stay there.
There are few 100% guarantees in this life, but there are two.
I can 100% guarantee that you do not want melanoma and will wish, 100%, you had taken every precaution you could to prevent it should you ever find yourself on the other side of the stat..
May is Melanoma Awareness Month and in some circles, Skin Cancer Awareness Month with Monday May 7th designated as Melanoma Monday.
Make those who love you 100% grateful and make all lifestyle changes that are necessary to lessen your chances of getting melanoma.
We're all melanoma statistics, one way or the other. But 100% of us are 100% more than that because we are 100% people. We're in this together.
100% of us with melanoma don't want our numbers to grow and more people get that diagnosis.
100% of us with melanoma want to be grateful that you've listened to our stories, heard us, applied what we say to your life, and prayerfully you never join our ranks.
When that happens, 100% of us on both sides of the melanoma stat will be extremely grateful!
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